Family may be forever, but friends are family eternal

Thanksgiving Day: a day to give thanks, a day to celebrate everything in the world that you are grateful for, a day to spend with family, a day of rest… Whatever. My Thanksgiving was anything but thankful, celebratory, or restful. My Thanksgiving was a day from Hell. Thank God for all my friends. Without them, I don’t know where I would be right now.

I was blessed (I guess that’s what you could say) with a family that is absolutely, totally, completely, and utterly nuts. My paternal family is wonderful… nuts, but still wonderful. My maternal family is just plain bonkers. No matter what happens, they drive me absolutely crazy—and not crazy happy. I’m saying that they drive me so crazy that I want to be as far away from them as I possible can.
So, another *happy* Thanksgiving, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing but a broken heart and a river of tears that just does not seem to stop flowing. I’ve had plenty of bad holidays. Hell—most every holiday comes too soon for me, and I never have enough time to prepare for the misery of the day. This year takes the cake for bad holidays.

Being bitched out is one thing, but to be bitched out by family is another thing in and of itself. A family is supposed to love you unconditionally. A family is supposed to be supportive of you in all your decisions. A family is supposed to care. A family is supposed to stand together. That is a family. I guess what I got were the rejects--the ones that broke the mold, the ones that were not quite right, the ones that fell into the shallow end of the gene pool (head first, no less).

I’m never good enough. I’m never smart enough. I can never live up to the expectations that they have set for me. No job is good enough. No lifestyle is godly enough. No clothing can disguise me enough to make me seem like I fit in with the wolves. They look nice on the outside, but inside they are nothing more than wolves feeding on the essence of me.

I always feel so old after the holidays. It’s almost as if the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s goes by so slow that I age a whole decade during the time frame. When I was a child I rejoiced all through the holidays. They were fun and exciting. I never had to worry about what I could do wrong, say wrong, or look wrong. Now, my friends call me and tell me to come over on the holidays just to give me an alibi—a reason to leave my family.

It’s sad really. When I think about it, I become so upset. I’m supposed to be the good child. I am always there—every holiday, every birthday, and even when I am not supposed to be there. I try to call, but my schedule makes it hard to keep in touch. I try to live with the fact that they will never see me as who I am through their nit-picking eyes. I’m a strong person, but it’s so hard to remain strong when it feels as if the whole world is closing in on you.

I was born into a family that cared about me. I was raised in a family that, on the outside, seemed to be almost perfect. I now know that it was all the numerous imperfections I dealt with that gave me the strength I have today, and made me the person I am. I’m a good person, but in their world I’m no more than a drunken, tattooed, stupid, recluse of a person.

Family is the one thing that you cannot get rid of. You can lose those extra pounds. You can lose that asshole of a boyfriend that you are dealing with. You can lose any material possession under the sun. You can’t lose family. Lucky for me, though, I have friends that keep me sane.
I am very fortunate to have some of the greatest friends in the world. Some I’ve known for a long time and some I’ve known only a short while, but I know no matter what I can always depend on them. They are my rock. They are my one true constant in life. They keep me sane in my crazy, mixed-up life.

My friends are numerous. I have quite a lot of friends. True friends though, I can only count on one hand. Those few true friends are always there for me regardless. They will always love me and care about me no matter what happens. If I fuck up, they will tell me. If I need anything, I can call them. I love them. My true friends are worth more to me than gold. They are my real family when my biological family lets me down.

I am not one who trusts easily. Life has taught me to be cautious of who I open up to. Because of this, I only have about three people who know every side of me. One I’ve known for years… since kindergarten. The others I’ve known only a short time, but I feel as close to them as I do the other. We’re the same. We’re all equal. We help each other out and live in a world where together we can do no wrong. I’m stronger with my friends than I am alone, and I know that nothing is impossible, no mountain is too high, and no problem is too big for me when I’m with my true friends.

So, during the holidays—the season of goodwill on earth and peace for all mankind—I am blessed to call my true friends my family. I am the richest person on earth because of those that I love and care about and who I know love and care about me too.

I could really fall for him. He’s wonderful, sensitive, funny, and he really and truly cares about me. I could really fall for him. So, what’s the problem?

I have not had a real relationship in about ten months. Those ten months have been the greatest times in my life. I have truly evolved as a person and become stronger and more independent. I don’t need a man to be myself. Maybe, I’m afraid that by jumping into a relationship, I would be compromising my independence. I would become half of a whole. I can’t do that. I am one person. I do not want to be referred to as a part of something. I am not someone’s better half. I’m myself. 100% me.

But, he’s so wonderful. I’m so confused. I’m so scared. I’m just so frustrated. I want to be in a relationship again—one that is built on love and mutual trust and understanding. I know that ours most likely would be. He sees me as an equal. He knows me as a friend. My friends really like him. Hell—I really like him.

So, why is it so hard? What is a girl to do? Do I jump… take the plunge? Or do I sit around and wait for something to happen? I’ve never been one to be clueless. I’m not dumb. I’m intelligent, so why do I feel as if I know nothing?

Thanksgiving... Another "glorious" holiday

I remember when holidays were fun. The older I get, the more holidays seem to lose their meaning. When I was a child, I relished all my holidays. My family would spend time at my grandmother’s house and my aunt’s house. We would be out most of the day and we always had a great time.

Now, I dread the holidays. Spending time with my dad’s family is a great thing. I enjoy all the time that I spend there, but going to see my mom’s family is another story.

I’m never good enough. I can never seem to do anything right. Today is Thanksgiving. I spent a few hours at my mom’s house with my sisters and my grandmother. Everything was going great until I mentioned something about my aunt (my mom’s sister). The minute I brought her up, Gran started going off on me about respect… I should respect my mother. I should call my mother. I should not call my aunt so much because she is not my mother.

Respect, I understand. But, how am I supposed to respect someone who does not respect me at all. I don’t know what it is. I think maybe it’s a jealousy issue. I’m a great person. I’m independent. I enjoy life and cherish every minute of it. My mom’s a very bitter person. When she and my dad divorced, she began to get every joy out of cutting my dad down. It’s one thing to do that with friends, but to talk about my dad in front of my is another thing completely. I hate it, and she won’t stop regardless of how many times I tell her to.

Christmas is exactly one month away, and now I am dreading it even more. My aunt and uncle will be there. It’s going to be awkward. Plus, I’ll get all sorts of grief because my gifts won’t be good enough. I won’t be doing anything they want. I’m not teaching. I’m working at the same company as my dad. If only they would support me, then none of this stuff would be going through my head.

With the help of God and my friends, I know that I can get through the holidays. I don’t know what I would do without them. Granted, I wish that my family was more normal, instead of putting the “fun” in “dysfunctional,” we should be just having fun.

Friends come and go. Family is forever. You’re born with them. You live with them. I guess the only way to deal with family is to keep your cool. Live with the fact that they are not going anywhere, and take everything they say with a grain of salt.

Learning is an adventure

“People who don’t think probably don’t have brains; rather they have grey stuff that’s blown into their heads by mistake.” --Winnie The Pooh

I think that we’ve all been there. That moment in time when you know that nothing is ever going to be the same. Everything that once was so stable is about to turn into total and utter chaos. For me, that moment was my high school graduation.

I went through the same school system from kindergarten until graduation, so many of the people I graduated with had been in classes with me as long as I could remember. I grew up with them. I shared my triumphs and disappointments with them. They were always there. Five days a week I knew that I would see them. All that stopped at graduation.

I was stepping out into a whole new world—a world of uncertainty, a world of change, a world that I had no idea about. I was excited, but at the same time scared to death. My friends that I grew up with were no longer going to be with me every day. We swore we would keep in touch, but in the whirlwind of life after high school, we rarely had time for anything more than the occasional phone call or e-mail.

So, it was just me. I remember my first day of college very well. It was a huge transition for me. In high school I knew everybody. I was involved in clubs and extra-curricular activities. I knew the school’s layout backwards and forwards and could get anywhere with my eyes closed. Now, I was in college. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t even know what I was going to be studying. I just felt so small.

That’s when it all happened. I realized that I was no longer a girl in school. I had become a woman with a world of opportunities just waiting to be explored. I could be anything I wanted to be, and I knew that if I worked hard enough I would be something. I threw myself into my studies. I took so many general education courses I thought I would go crazy, but I did learn something—everything is exciting, and everything is worth learning if you don’t know.

I discovered that learning is more than just textbooks and exams. Learning is an adventure. The things you learn make you more interesting, more knowledgeable, and more capable of handling the blows that life throws you. It gives you something to talk about.

I had a teacher in school who used to always say, “no question is stupid if you don’t know the answer.” I always thought that was a strange saying, but the older I became the more I realized how true that saying is. If you don’t know the answer to something, do not live in ignorance. Ask someone or look it up. Choose your adventure and grow with it.

In My Life I've Learned...

• Sometimes the only person who wants to listen to you is you.
• Blood is thicker than water… and harder to clean up.
• There is no one greater than God.
• Sometimes failure is the biggest success.
• Find something you like doing and stick with it.
• You are the best friend you will ever have.
• What goes around comes around.
• True friends are more valuable than gold.
• Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.
• Never give up.
• Always dream.
• Set goals and strive to achieve them.
• Laughter is the best medicine.
• Friends come and go, but family is forever.
• Love is never easy—it takes work.
• Never stop learning.
• A smile can brighten everyone’s day.
• The sun also rises.
• When God closes a door, he opens a window.
• A person’s a person no matter how small.
• Even the grinch had a heart.
• In the face of adversity, stand tall.
• Laugh.
• Life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned.
• Life has no blueprints or roadmaps.
• No one can run your race.
• Learning is an adventure.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff.
• Even the most perfect rose has thorns.
• Choose your friends wisely.
• Create.
• A smile is always better than a frown.
• The most beautiful rainbows come after the most thunderous showers.
• Set your expectations high.
• If you have nothing intelligent to say, shut up!
• Keep a positive attitude.
• Life is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
• Act as if it were impossible to fail.
• Cherish your memories.
• Consider yourself lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand.
• Be smarter than other people, but don’t tell them so.
• Look for silver linings.
• Shoot for the moon. Even if you fall, it will land you among the stars.
• Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.
• Think outside the box.
• Expect the unexpectable.
• Be yourself. Don’t try to conform to society’s expectations of what you should be. If you can’t be yourself, who will be you?
• Integrate color.
• Through pain comes strength.
• Age is merely a state of mind.
• Life is too important to be taken seriously.
• Family: You’re born with them, you have to live with them. You can’t get rid of them. You just have to deal with them.
• You can’t change others. You can only change yourself.
• Imagine.
• Learn to let go.

My Book

I've decided to write a book. Not the kind of book with a plot and characters and all, but rather a book about my life. You know, stories and anecdotes from my life that could be beneficial to others. I'm only 23 (well, not for long. My birthday's in less that two weeks!!), but I've been through a lot of shit in my life. I think that some of it could be beneficial to others--what I've learned and all. I've got a whole list of topics too--some are your general cliques... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Some are quotes (my favorite, "A person is a person no matter how small" by Dr. Suess). Anyways, it really doesn't matter if the book ever gets published. I'll probably have kinkos make some copies and distribute them among my closest friends (you know who you are if you should be one of the select few!). I'll try to post a list of some of the topics one of these days.

I want to be in love in a movie...

I know that all you ladies out there know what I'm talking about. I want to be in love. I want the fairy tale. I want prince charming. I want the perfect man--intelligent, sensitive, handsome, witty, charming, and wonderful in every way. I want a man who will love me and treat me the way I want to be treated. I want Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (only minus the hooker part), Bill Pullman in While You Were Sleeping, Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally, Hugh Grant (minus the hooker part there) in Notting Hill. You know, the all around wonderful, somewhat goofy (sometimes), phenomenal guy. But, where does a simple girl find her Edward, Jack, Harry, or William??

Work is Great

So, I started my new job last Monday. It is so great. I mean I worked 40 hours this week and don't even feel like I did. I LOVE IT!! Plus I'm working with computers. Yeah! Anyways, I'm getting ready to go out, so I'll try and post more tomorrow.

It's Going to be a Manic Monday!!!

Well, tomorrow I will have to get up at 6:30 am for my new job. I'm going to be a customer service representative at Blue Cross Blue Shield of Tennessee, a large insurance company here. Now, 6:30 is really early for me considering I'm used to getting to bed around 3:00 am. So, it's off to bed early tonight. It's just now 10:15, and I'm hoping to get sleepy within an hour or so. That means I can get about seven hours of much needed sleep. That is, if all goes well. Knowing me, I'll be up most of the night wondering what's going to happen tomorrow on my first day of training... Wondering if I'm going to get along with the others in the training group... Wondering what I'm going to wear... Wondering what my supervisor will be like... Basically just wondering. Anyways, I'm going to get off this thing and try to get some sleep. Maybe I'll read a book or watch a movie. Something to help me sleep. If you have any suggestions, let me know cause until I get this schedule under my belt, I'm going to need all the help I can get!!

As the blonde turns

You know, my life is really crazy. I think sometimes my life should be the basis of a soap opera. You know, something like As the Blonde Turns. I would be the smart and sophisticated, yet humorous leader of the town. I would, of course, have my sidekicks who would be loyal to me. However, in my soap opera, my sidekicks would not be cold, heartless bitches who would stab me in the back. There would be plenty of drama (because in my circle of friends, drama is very prevalent!! We would not even have to pay writers because we could come up with it on our own!!). There would also be plenty of comedy (gee... maybe I should think about making this a prime-time show!!). Anyways, life is wierd. Life is crazy. Life can be madness. But you know what... even with all the wierdness, craziness, and madness, I would not change a think about my life!!

Relationships

It's been a long time since I've really dated anyone seriously. I mean, I've met many guys who are really nice, but just not my type. My last boyfriend and I were together for almost six years. I've been single now for almost a whole year. It's been a nice break, but I really think that I'm ready for a relationship now. It just seems that all the guys I meet are not at all my type. Not that I'm asking for much, but I'm very picky when it comes to anything long-term in my life. You know the movie When Harry Met Sally?? Well, I'm Sally. I'm the worst kind of woman. I'm high-maintainance, but I think that I'm low-maintainance. It's all a very vicious cycle. I don't want to rush into anything, but I do want that feeling of acceptance and adoration from another person who thinks that I am special in every way. They say that no person is perfect until you fall in love with them. I believe that fully, but why can't I find that perfect person???

TV is never the same during an election!!

I was flipping through the television channels this afternoon. I swear, any political matter cracks me up because of the way the media shows it. It's everywhere! I started at Channel 2 and began flipping my way up. This is pretty much how the shows went: Kerry, Kerry, Kerry, cartoons, random old sit-com, Kerry, televangelists, Kerry, cartoons, Kerry, Kerry, Kerry, Kerry, nickelodeon, Kerry, Kerry, etc. I think that you get my idea. Just thought I'd share my random funny thought with you!

Power to the People

I'm really thankful to be living in America right now. I mean, we take so much for granted each day that we are alive. I voted today. I have the opportunity to vote for a candidate whose opinions I agree with. The people have a choice. We have democracy. There are so many countries that do not even offer this priviledge that so many Americans don't even take seriously.

Happy Halloween

So, last night I went to my favorite hangout--a little bar down the road. They had a halloween party and my friends and I all dressed up. I went to my friend Heather's dad's house with Karin to get ready. Karin and Heather were naughty lesbian schoolgirls. I was the fabulous Ms. Marilyn Monroe. We got to the bar and met up with our other friends. Mimi was Ozzy Osborne (and won a prize for her phenomenal costume--complete with bat thanks to me!). Deb was a "high class broad" which is nothing new so technically she did not have a costume!! Anyways, we had a blast just hanging out and singing and stuff. I stayed at Karin's last night and just now got home.

I'm about to have to go get a new phone because my phenomenal miniature computer phone is messed up. The screen is all black and stuff. Then it's off to work. Last Saturday was my last day on the job for real. I no longer have to deal with customers and stuff. I will be working stock for the rest of the time. It's incredible because I don't have to deal with any of the holiday crap associated with retail. I get to choose my own hours and will not have to deal with the day after Thanksgiving, the days before and after Christmas. Instead I will be resting in bed!! This is the first year that I will have this luxury in FIVE years!! I really do deserve this break.

Anyways, I just put a ton of pictures from Halloween up on this blog. I don't know how to put them in one big blog, but maybe I'll learn. In the meantime, enjoy the pictures!!!

That's me as Ms. Marilyn Monroe! 

Kate and Deb--2 High Class Broads! 

Karin and Heather are two trashy, naughty, slutty, lesbian schoolgirls!! 

Check out those fangs! 

Mimi was one hell of a sexy vampire!! 

It's fuckin' Ozzy Osborne!! Sharon!! 

Karin went a little crazy with Jeff. 

Jeff and Ozzy